“First, your return to shore was not part of our negotiations nor our agreement, so I must do nothin’. And secondly, you must be a pirate for the Pirate’s Code to apply, and you’re not. And thirdly, the Code is more what you’d call “guidelines” than actual rules. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, Miss Turner.”
- Captain Barbosa

Associated Press is reporting that the Veterans Administration employee whose stolen laptop contained Social Security numbers for 28 million veterans was authorized by the VA to take the data home. Documents obtained by AP appear to directly contradict VA officials who say he violated department procedures.

A neighbor of mine was recently arrested after trying to break into a military installation to share the secret of unlimited low-cost electricity. His big mistake was not that he attempted to gain entry to a restricted military facility, but that he neglected to get himself elected to Congress before pulling the stunt.

In a ruling on the constitutionality of a Texas redistricting plan, the Supreme Court said any state can redraw legislative districts any time. Until the Texas state legislature, led by governor Rick Perry and urged on by the late Tom DeLay, redrew Congressional districts in 2003, states had limited their gerrymandering efforts to once a decade following the US census.

A Utah Republican congressional candidate says the Prince of Darkness is interfering with his campaign. John Jacob, who is in a dead heat with 5-term Republican Congressman Chris Cannon going into Tuesday’s primary, told the Salt Lake Tribune on Friday that Satan was messing with his business enterprises to prevent him from adequately funding his campaign.

General George Casey has adopted the Democratic position on withdrawing troops from Iraq, and the LA Times says that’s bad for Dems. Greg Sargent at the American Prospect is bewildered by that construct: “What is it going to take,” he asks, “to get the media to stop spinning everything — even a situation where Republicans are being forced to follow where the Dems led — as good for the GOP?”

The St. Petersburg Times inadvertently bought in to a bit of satirical truthiness today when it published a wire report on a Karl Rove press conference with Satan. Although the story has since been removed from the Times web site, a screen shot of it has been posted by the National Journal’s Hotline blog and the text was grabbed by the now Cox-less Wonkette. Here’s a sample:

At a joint press conference today in Washington, White House adviser Karl Rove said that he would be plotting the Republican Party’s fall election strategy with his longtime comrade-in-arms, Satan.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced today the arrest of some Americans plotting to blow up the Sears Tower and other targets. He says that “these homegrown terrorists may prove to be as dangerous as groups like Al-Qaeda.” He didn’t add “so bend over, America,” but then again, he doesn’t really have to.

Each of the 500 unusable “WMD” artillery rounds Senator Rick Santorum is screeching about carries an extraordinary price tag. At current rates, the cost per unit is $6 billion in direct costs, 5 dead US soldiers, 40 wounded US soldiers, and hundreds of dead Iraqis. Add in the lifetime of medical care many US soldiers will require, along with death benefits and other incidentals such as the lost income and societal contributions of the dead, and the price tag rises considerably. Add in the costs to Iraqis, and it rises still more.

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has been making the rounds claiming that the US has in fact discovered banned weapons in Iraq. The claims are based on the continuing sporadic discovery of pre-Gulf War I munitions containing variously disintegrated chemical weapons, and the Pentagon has said that the claims are crap: the munitions in question, mostly artillery rounds, are unusable and have been for years.