Political junkies in this campaign season will probably recognize that quote as emanating from Ross Perot’s vice-presidential candidate, the late Admiral James Stockdale, during the vice presidential debate of 1992 between him, Dan Quayle and Al Gore.

I bring this up because not long ago I found myself at televangelist Robert Schuller’s Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California. Since I’m both Jewish and nontheistic, the experience was a bit odd. Following are a few photos from the visit, along with brief explications of my immediate reactions to the subjects. We begin with proof that Starbucks is indeed everywhere, as witness this sign—”It’s a sign!”—downstairs from the gift shop.

Before we made it to the gift shop, we encountered the statue of Madonna and cyborg Baby Jesus on a very realistic donkey. If God made man in his own image, then all I can imagine is that God is either the Tin Man or the Terminator.

Not long before the visit, I’d read a story in the Israeli daily Ha’aretz about a paper suggesting that when Moses was high on Mount Sinai collecting the Ten Commandments, he was high on Mount Sinai. The statue at Shuler’s digs lends credence to the theory. Also, I’d always pictured Moses as a weathered, whipcord sort of Jew, but he was apparently quite buff.

“Whoa! I have to write this down so I don’t forget it in the morning.”

This isn’t a very good photo, but inside the gift shop was a tie rack with a lot of cheery floral prints and this thing, which if it isn’t clear is a picture of the dénouement of the crucifixion. I’m not sure for what occasion you’d want to be sporting this number.

Also in the gift shop was a portrait of Jesus (I think) tending to what seems to be a seriously impaired Dennis Quaid.

Dennis and ilk were getting me down so I went back outside to hang with the lamb, the lass and the lord (I think).

We saw a free-spirited wedding party from Korea.

And then the dancing waters until we left. Good news, I got a Job.

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